So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
