even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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