those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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