I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
