i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
