I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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