I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
