he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are never too drunk for berry picking
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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