How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
