me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
