Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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