yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
