OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
