They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
True college students do jello shots in the library
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