the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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