Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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