I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
