my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
