Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
