Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
