i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
