last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
