pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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