i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i need an iv and a liver transplant
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize