I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
