im drinking this country out of the recession.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
