What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
