I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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