Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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