I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
