Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
