please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
