Plan B is the new Plan A
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My vagina is officially offended.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
