Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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