i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
