the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
When are your genitals available?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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