he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
