I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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