The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
