just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
