Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
