Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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