my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just invented taco cereal.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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