he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you will always have a special place in my vag
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
