Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
