So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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