I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
