I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
