Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
