Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
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Drunk walkin through police station. America
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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