Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
