why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
