I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
