guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
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Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
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I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
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