i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be still, my beating vagina.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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