is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
