i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
